Several months ago, the above heading would simply have read hates, but the 80's bastards have crept up on me and entered my wardrobe, sneakily via the Dressing Up Box. I purchased a pair of wet-look leggings to finish my Catwoman ensemble for Halloween and threw them in the dressing up box, suspecting I may never see them again. But alas, I purchased a Dr Denim skin tight, low back mini dress - hold ups were unsuitable as the lace at the top is visible, tights dig in too much at the waistband, throwing the dress over jeans is a non-option as this would like someone had attacked my jeans with blue cling film. Thus, the leggings sneaked into use.
For some a comfortable and easy-to-wear garment they are remarkable hard to wear well, hence I think, my long standing grudge against them. The problem being owing to their comfort factor they are chosen by the laziest dressers who make them look truly appalling. There are always RULES people, so listen the fuck up.
1. ALWAYS cover your ass and fanny. NO ONE wants to see your camel toe and orange peel. Please for the love of god listen. Leggings are for under dresses, sweater-dresses, shirt dresses, just dresses, whatever. They are NOT trousers.
2. Sequined Leggings - No. I know because I tried them on. I looked like KFC had brought out a new Sparkle-Chicken-Drumstick. Highly unattractive and completely inedible.
3. Mid Calfe Leggings make your legs look like stumps. Unless you are over 5'10 and have killer legs please avoid.
4. Stirrup Leggings - approach with caution. The problem here is that when pulled under the foot, they create a straight line either side of the leg, giving the illusion that your legs are two planks of wood and that you have no knees. We know, deep down, that you do have knees, but dressing is all about shape, and if you haven't figured that out already, you are screwed.
5. If you are a man, don't wear them. Honestly Russell, first Katy Perry, now this?!
